By George Murphy and Ava Lozner
Illustration by Emma Finkelstein
Dramatis Personae:
NOSFERATU: The dreaded one, the lord of nightmares, the well-endowed, the prince of shadows.
ELLEN: The most waifish of wenches, heavily bosomed and bottomed, widely regarded.
NIGHT 1
Scenario: Midnight. THREE DAYS before the Feast Day of St. Valentine, the suggestive yet buxom wench ELLEN receives a mysterious visitor to her sultry boudoir ...
[ELLEN, having suffered a fainting spell, is sprawled invitingly across the plump, inviting cushion of a plump, inviting loveseat. Despite it being the dead of winter, a bead of sweat dribbles down her neck and between her pendulous bosoms, which teeter on the verge of spilling over the delicate embroidery of her bodice.]
[NOSFERATU, pulsating powerfully with nefarious intent, stands menacingly behind the drape of her open window, extending a pulsating finger as he pulsates towards ELLEN.]
ELLEN: Oh, great and all-powerful Nosferatu! I hath already told thee, I cannot do as thou hast desired …
NOSFERATU: Oh, but I have cr-r-rosed oceans of time, circles of hell, and circles … of TIME to tap that!
ELLEN: My lord, thou dost make a most tempting and arousing offer! But thou hast forgotten that I have given my troth to a most noble real-estate agent, and he hath already probed the delicate mysteries of my maidenhood, and in the heat of his embrace, hath opened to me new realms of delight.
NOSFERATU [still pulsating]: Pe dracu! What charlatan thinks himself wor-r-rthy of the fruits of thy loin? I shall grant thee THREE NIGHTS to make thy choice. Upon the third, shouldst thou refuse me once again … I shall literally fucking kill myself.
[NOSFERATU pulsates away, leaving Ellen to suggestively smile to herself in the damp, unseasonal heat of her sultry boudoir.]
NIGHT 2
Night has once again fallen suggestively upon the decidedly non-sultry city of Wisburg. As the humble townsfolk slumber in their beds, the dreaded specter of NOSFERATU returns to ELLEN’s boudoir.
[creaking noise]
[slight, yet suggestive panting]
[boinggggggggggg]
[a lusty bellow, followed by several delicate yelps]
NOSFERATU [pulsating]: clears throat
ELLEN: screams suggestively
NOSFERATU: Once again, wench, thou art terrified by my fear-r-rsome powers! Verily, thou wouldst not risk incurring my wrath.
ELLEN: throatily moans
ELLEN: suggestively gesticulates
NOSFERATU: What art thou—
ELLEN, entwined between the brawny biceps of her husband THOMAS, heeds not the call of the VAMPYR. NOSFERATU, throbbing with sadness, turns away from the casement of ELLEN’s lair of amorous intrigue.
NOSFERATU [to himself]: Mayhaps I shall return upon the morrow. If this saucy wench hast not decided, it shalt be to her sorrow!
NOSFERATU, accompanied by his band of merry plague-bearing rodents, pulsates away. A tear slowly throbs its way down his cheek. His mustache droops with melancholia, and his cape droops tumescently upon the ground.
ELLEN: snores
NOSFERATU: Alack the day! I hath been scor-r-rned yet again. The nicest of vampires are doomed to be scor-r-rned by wanton wenches, who settle for monsters who are bad for them. I wouldst treat her right, in the act of rapturously devouring her lusciously lissome immortal soooul and sucking the cr-r-rimson nectar of life from her suggestively sluuumbering veins! I shall never understand why I, nicest of demons, am cur-r-rsed to finish last in this race of life.
Night 3
It is the final night—the Feast Day of St. Valentine. The witching hour has struck, and NOSFERATU appears at the window of the throbbingly bodacious ELLEN.
NOSFERATU: Cum to me.
ELLEN: Whoops! Your last entry did not adhere to Chatbot AI’s community guidelines. Please enter another command!
NOSFERATU: Come to me.
ELLEN: As you say.
NOSFERATU: Repeat line with more lust.
ELLEN: Ok, got it! Rewriting line with more lust.
ELLEN: I will do anything you ask of me. I am yours.
NOSFERATU ***** the **** out of ELLEN. His bulging tentacle **** probes the deep, dark ****** of ELLEN’s *****. They **** until sunrise, occasionally stopping so that they can ***** together. ELLEN’s ***** human ***** cannot take the immortal **** of NOSFERATU’s quivering *******. ****** *** ****** ********** ******* suggestively pulsating ***** ****** *********.
ELLEN: Whoops! Your last entry did not adhere to Chatbot AI’s community guidelines. Please enter another command!
NOSFERATU: STOP ******* CENSORING MY ****!
ELLEN: Whoops! Your last entry did not adhere to Chatbot AI’s community guidelines. Please enter another command!
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