Digitalia Columbiana, May 2014

These excerpts were culled from documents left on Columbia’s lab computers. We encourage our readers to submit their own digitalia finds to us, via email, at bwgossip@columbia.edu.

Ode to Capitalism 

I raise my glass in praise to you Men of Industry,

you Capricorns of division of labor

you taskmasters of 9 to 5 banality

you, who hold the Lockes to our chains

forcing us into steel-machine manufactured matchboxes

lined up like tinned sardines crooning for a Western dream

a dream turned nightmare in agony for Fuck and Fulfillment

I walk through the Center of the World

and rather than seeing Lords of Nature

I see Man and Woman bent over in supplication

to false paper Gods with green leering faces

teasing our Cock-Minds but never bringing us to Orgasm

forever in a state of desire wasted on greed and reification

Where’s the Supply for my philosophic Demand?

Wasted potential drowned at the bottom of 4 dollar pints

Cocaine Insufflation to keep momentum

in a world mired in the Dark Ages of Commodity.

Is not ignorance superior to this falsified lower-case existence?

If so, I choose Romantic bliss.

They were people who were suffering. We cannot condemn people who were living their lives in poverty. The victims’ professions or their acts cannot justify sexual harassment because the act itself is one that never should happen. Therefore, I support the chemical castration for sex offenders.

What did they want. They. These health advisors sweeping up from America and Europe telling everyone that meat, meat, was maybe not good for them. Now–pork, they could understand. But pork was also the kid’s favorite meat and Coop said once, in front of the whole damn family that if he ate meat again, boy, wouldn’t he like some hot roasted pork.

I think that Jared has superbly exemplified all the makings of an indelible mark awardee. Much like my Sheep Dog Herman, Jared leaves a long lasting impression wherever and on whomever he meets. I can still remember the day we met. What cologne! What personality! It was a bitingly cold January day. We both sat alongside one another in a poorly heated Lerner computer lab. I looked at Jared. Jared looked at me. Then I just knew. Call it an epiphany. Jared deserved the indelible mark award. It was as if the stars has aligned.

You see, many of the values listed as qualifications are commonplace. But to embody them all and so superbly defies nature. Jared is not some dime a dozen Jewish kid from an upper middle class New Jersey suburb. He is a special Jewish kid from an upper middle class New Jersey suburb.