Administrator Bird Watching

Some say Columbia’s admin are inaccessible. We say they’re just camouflaged and hiding in trees. Here’s our guide to spotting your administrators in the field. 

Words by Sean Augustine-Obi

Illustrations by Joanna Zou

LEE BOLLINGER 

Eminus dominus 

Likes: Free speech, territorial expansion, autocracy

Weaknesses: Things that are inhibited, feeble, and closed shut; salary audits

Location: One of his many Global roosts

SUZANNE GOLDBERG 

Visiri praeses 

Likes: Legal scholarship, blogging

Weaknesses: Title IX, The Varsity Show

Can be found: At a screening of “Straight Outta Compton” in Miller Theatre

JOHN J. VALENTINI 

Maximum maximum 

Likes: Chemistry, screensavers, campus trivia

Weaknesses: Mattresses, cover photos

Can be found: Panhandling outside Lerner Pub

DEBRORA SPAR 

Corporum feministus 

Likes: (Barnard) Quads, (Housing) quads, libraries without books, Having It All

Weaknesses: Fire

Can be found: Teaching Zumba to the board of Goldman Sachs

ROBERT KASDIN 

Cheney abscentia 

Likes: Budgeting, bureaucracy, bonuses

Weaknesses: Sunlight, being on the record

Can be found: At Johns Hopkins

CRISTEN KROMM 

Gaudium bellum 

Likes: Small children, quoting Socrates, fire safety

Weaknesses: Alcohol, concerts, shoes

Can be found: Holding office hours after campus tragedies