Administrator Bird Watching

Words by Sean Augustine-Obi

Illustrations by Joanna Zou

Some say Columbia’s admin are inaccessible. We say they’re just camouflaged and hiding in trees. Here’s our guide to spotting your administrators in the field. 

LEE BOLLINGER 

Eminus dominus 

Likes: Free speech, territorial expansion, autocracy

Weaknesses: Things that are inhibited, feeble, and closed shut; salary audits

Location: One of his many Global roosts

 

SUZANNE GOLDBERG 

Visiri praeses 

Likes: Legal scholarship, blogging

Weaknesses: Title IX, The Varsity Show

Can be found: At a screening of “Straight Outta Compton” in Miller Theatre

 

JOHN J. VALENTINI 

Maximum maximum 

Likes: Chemistry, screensavers, campus trivia

Weaknesses: Mattresses, cover photos

Can be found: Panhandling outside Lerner Pub

 

DEBRORA SPAR 

Corporum feministus 

Likes: (Barnard) Quads, (Housing) quads, libraries without books, Having It All

Weaknesses: Fire

Can be found: Teaching Zumba to the board of Goldman Sachs

 

ROBERT KASDIN 

Cheney abscentia 

Likes: Budgeting, bureaucracy, bonuses

Weaknesses: Sunlight, being on the record

Can be found: At Johns Hopkins

 

CRISTEN KROMM 

Gaudium bellum 

Likes: Small children, quoting Socrates, fire safety

Weaknesses: Alcohol, concerts, shoes

Can be found: Holding office hours after campus tragedies

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s