Campus Gossip, October 2014

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE

The following conversation took place between two women walking down Broadway:

“So my friend stole a bicycle. There was this bike chained to a fence with a really bad lock for a very long and he just broke the lock one day and took the bike.

“The thing is that it turned out that the bike was actually his friend’s. So there was this long time when he knew that he had his friend’s bike but he couldn’t figure out a good way to let his friend know. But eventually he did let his friend know, and the friend was okay with it actually. It turned out it was good because they ended up throwing out all the bikes in the area because it was an illegal spot.

“Funnily enough, he didn’t give the bike back to his friend. So when they went on the huge ride for the history of New York class, he was still riding the bike he stole.”

***

Overheard in the SGO: “Don’t tell me you’re not using this to pad your resume. Cause I totally am. I’m just using this to pad my resume. Having skills in finance— you’re good pads for that.”

***

ON THE FIELD

Pete Mangurian, coach of the illustrious Columbia Football team, is just as unpopular with his players as he is with the fans. When he fired a popular coach recently, the players reportedly threw chairs at him.

***

In other Mangurian news, the dedicated coach had set practice times so that players had to wake up at 4 a.m. to go to practice. Players’ parents had to bring in a Stanford University sleep expert to substantiate complaints that this wasn’t healthy for student athletes.

***

In an email to the African Diaspora Literary Society informing them of their possible de-recognition, the ABC e-board referred to the group as “BSO.”

CHANGES IN STATE

From one freshman clutching a copy of the Iliad in the Hamilton stairwell to another: “I want to wait until I have things figured out and know my major before I commit to a relationship.”

***

Overheard in a creative writing class: “This is a piece I wrote about my Grandmother and her…transition from the…life state to the death state.”

***

There is a room in McBain with a cardboard structure called “Narnia.” It is routinely hotboxed.

***

For the Campus Left party at Potluck House in early September, “leftists” assembled a guillotine for capitalists. In response a student, a ‘self identifying capitalist,’ filed it as a bias incident. The administration ruled in his favor; Potluck is now on probation. An anonymous B&W editor recalls having inebriatedly stolen aforesaid guillotine and secreted it behind the EC 2nd floor lounge piano, but could not locate it the next day.

***

ON THE QUAD

The Vice President of CU Dems recently chided a B&W senior editor for behavior that was “very unprofessional for a rising journalist.”

***

An enigmatic figure who has been described as everything from a “Columbia senior” to “male” is reportedly selling fake CUIDs to Barnard students. For a fee, interested buyers can enter EC with ease. However, Public Safety says they’ll confiscate CUIDs from any “non-affiliates” caught using them.

***

Twins sharing a Barnard quad room were apparently sharing it with their mother, who showed up for move-in day and did not leave. However, she has reportedly now been replaced by a guy.

***

Rules…they change!

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