Campus Gossip, Orientation 2014

From the Chinese Students Club’s summer newsletter: SEEKING CHINESE FORAGERS 

I am writing on behalf of our research team from The University of Vermont. We launched a new project about Chinese people foraging in New York City. The Chinese Students Club contains a great deal of Chinese Americans, which can include Chinese foragers, whom we are looking for.

We are looking for people who:

1) identifies themselves as Chinese or Chinese Americans

2) is engaged in foraging in NY, an example may be picking gingko nuts and

3) might be interested in taking part in this study this summer

***

A national fraternity convention in Baltimore coincided with BronyCon 2014, “the largest convention for and by fans of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” Adult fraternity leaders seemed perplexed as to why grown men would spend a weekend taking a childish pastime extremely seriously.

***

Two septuagenarian men walking through the 8th floor of the stacks, shouting to one another.

1: Do you like it? Living downtown?

2: Oh, sure I like it. But it’s so expensive, you know?

1: I’ll bet! It’s not like when we were kids.

2: It’s those fucking banker pigs!

***

OUR BLEEDING, STUPID HEARTS

A GS student was seen showing his two young children around Columbia’s campus on a sunny July Day. His daughter ran up to a group of pigeons in attempt to scare them into the skies. They didn’t flinch.

“Daddy,” she exclaimed, “the pigeons here aren’t afraid.”

“Yep,” he sighed. “I’m sure they feed them all day long.”

TEMPERANCE MOTION

In an effort to block “Tara Hill aka Cannon’s and O’Connell’s” application to have sidewalk seating, a concerned neighbor sent a rallying missive to the the 110th Street Block Association’s Listserv in anticipation of a community board meeting.

He wrote: “The bar is fine, but it’s a nightmare of a neighbor. From 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. or later, rowdy, drunk, smoking, loud, urinating crowds gather outside its doors and shout for hours. Police called many times. Owner doesn’t care about neighborhood and community. Responds with F-word when neighbors ask her to keep order. Or pretends she isn’t the owner.

“CB 7 favors outdoor cafes but in this case, Tara Hill is NOT a good neighbor and should clean up its [sic] before it gets ‘rewarded’ with outdoor cafe license.”

***

BUREAUCRATIC LICENSE

During this year’s May alumni weekend, the newly formed Columbia Alumni Allied Against Sexual Assault held an information session in the Teacher’s College library. Before the event, organizers handed out an informational packet. When a 2011 alumnus complimented the color printing, the chief organizer proudly exclaimed, “all printed on the taxpayer’s dime!”

When the organizer was asked what she meant, she explained that she worked in Mayor Bill de Blasio’s office as a speechwriter. “We have a nice fast color printer, why not?”

***

The floor on the second story of high class literary frat Delta Psi (also known as St. Anthony’s Hall), reeks of beer. “It smells like a frat house,”complained one member.

***

Humanism… it’s mandatory!

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